Honest happiness

Lately I haven't written anything because I created this blog to write about happiness. To be honest lately I haven't been feeling too happy, my life is in the mists of change and sometimes it can be overwhelming. But then I thought about life in general. A human being would be dishonest if he claimed he was happy all of the time. But what is happiness without sadness? What is good without the bad? The only way we can really be sure we are happy is when we know we are not sad.

I realized that I'm waking up really late. In fact, I'm getting up so late that I only have a couple of hours before everything is closed. So then I just don't do anything.

When I was little I used to think that I had to get up early every morning. This was not because my parents told me to. This was because one day I realized, after having understood the concept of death, that the time I spent sleeping I wasn't living my life. So I would get up every day wanting to do as much as I could because I wanted to do it all.

This wanting to do it all I guess never went away. Every day I find something new I'd like to try and I just keep adding to the list. Lists... I have them every where, in journals, notebooks, and random backsides of papers already used. I feel this sense of accomplishment every time I cross one off. This personal, little guilty pleasure, much like Amelie Poulain's digging her hand into a sac of grains.

But now the satisfaction is few and far between. I put things off and accomplish very little in so long a stretch of time. Maybe I've learned to be patient. Due to my temper, I don't think this is it at all. I guess I just lost childhood track of time.

In psychology class I learned that there are some essential behaviors you have to do. The thing is that these behaviors only happen in two stages. When you're an infant, or when you're going senile. Those behaviors not played out in infancy would most likely occur when senile. So if in fact the concept of the short passing of time occurred in my youth does it mean that I'm saved from realizing this in maturity, when it would be too late?

I want to want to wake up early every day so that I could do as much as I could.

Just like no one is happy all the time, no one is sad all the time. I see the bright side of all the clouds, that are concentrated over me for the time being, on my patch of the beach. But until they pass I'll just have to lie here, on the cold sand, waiting... knowing, that on the other side was my perfect tan.